[ x to live & learn x ]

[from.the.words.of.yesterday]

It's been a while...
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
It's been a long while since I've written something and even longer since I've written something positive. I'm tired of logging onto LJ and seeing my last message be something I'd much rather just forget. I would just delete it, but I also want to remember it. It helps keep me on my meds sometimes.

So, here's something positive to say. I'm on anti-depressants now and I can't tell if it's because of them or because I have plans or just because life's gotten easier but either way, I'm happy. Really happy.

Today's the first day of the new semester and I'm considering it a way of starting over. It's my first semester as an all Art student. It's my first semester being really happy. And it's my first semester looking for a job while still employed. So... A lot of firsts. Seems like a good time to start starting over.

I woke up 4 and a half hours before my first class day. I woke up, ate a healthy breakfast, did 30 minutes of yoga (and wow, has my balance gone down, lol!), got ready for school (agonized for about 10 minutes over the fact that today's color is Yellow and I have nothing yellow to wear...), and now I'm just killing time enjoying myself until 10:45. 13 more minutes before I have to go.

And today is very pleasent.

And... well... there's my positive update of the first new-leah-year. Hopefully I can keep up with this thing better... Maybe I should convert to twitterism, lol!

0115
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
Eighteen and Six
Eighteen years isn't really a
long time to be alive but when
you're eighteen it seems like you've
been alive forever and always
will be and it's a great feeling but
it's also a pretty scary age because
people begin to think of you
differently and so they also treat
you like another person entirely.

I wonder if you realize what
you've been doing lately. I
know that I've grown older and
that I'm an "adult" now. I can
vote and get arrested and smoke
and do all sorts of bad and good
things now and even though I
could do those things before, now
I can do them legally. But you
know that some things never change
right? Parents are always parents,
no matter how old their children get.

So even thought I've grown taller and
I've "matured", I'm still that little
six year old who you used to play
with with remote control cars in the
park and who you used to beat playing
miniature golf and who used to
ride next to you in the go carts because
I wasn't old enough to drive my own.

I'll always be that little baby that you
had to do everything for and I'll always
be able to learn something from you.

Just because I've changed a little over
the years, I'm still your daughter and
I still love you. I know you still love
me but it seems like things have changed
and, to be honest, they really don't need to.

So don't be afraid to say "let's go
play a game together" or "why don't
we go play air hockey" and don't be
afraid to let me win every once in a
while - because we both know I'm
handicapped. And please, please, please
don't be afraid to randomly hug me or
say "I love you" because it still
means a lot to be and still counts for something.

0104
black feather falls - SEL
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
Isn't graduation supposed to be a happy time? Why, then, am I starting to hate the idea of graduating so much? Why, then, am I hearing my parents yell about it once again? Why, dare I ask, can't I feel so happy at the idea of leaving that place? Why is the memory already sullied?

   I want to hug him
      Smack him
         Ignore her
            and smile at them.

I don't think I can t o l e r a t e you anymore

I don't like you.
   knock it off.
      Words.
         Art.
            Power.

White. Pure. Innocent.
    Transluscent.
Red. Bright. Fiery. Strong.
   Noticable.


"I had to deal with the idiots and do jury duty."

0090
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
Dated Tuesday, February 24, 2004

I Am The Girl

I am the girl who cries red
My tears are my blood
Crimson and Warm.
My eyes are my arms
Pale and Soft.
My veins are my tearducts
Blue and Alive.
My razor is my tissue
Sharp and Comforting.
The cuts are my tearstains
Crimson and Dry.
For I am the girl who cries red.

0088
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
Untitled

I realize that I do
love you and can't see
a future without you but
I'm still scared.

Lines have been penciled
in place and then quickly
erased because they just weren't
in a place that was good for us
and we've moved them around,
trying to get it all to sound OK but
it isn't looking like that's
possible and I understand that and
so do you but I'm scared.

You've invaded my dreams,
my room, my morning ritual and
my free lifestyle - and I love it.
I can't seem to feel angered or
annoyed at the fact that I'm doing
my schoolwork for you or that I'm
setting aside time from my day that
will just be your time and no one
else's, or that I find myself
distracted by wondering what you're
doing and how you're feeling and
hoping that you're having
fun and maybe are happy. And
I'm scared of it all.

Talking to people without seeing
them or having any clue what they're
doing has always scared me because
how do I know I'm not boring you or
maybe annoying you? But with you I
just smile to myself and when there's a
silence I'm not wasting our time thinking
that you're displeased or upset with
me or that I need to find something to
say in order to fill that gap. Instead,
I'm smiling to myself and just enjoying
the fact that I can listen to you talk to
your games or just... breath... But
I'm absolutely terrified.

I'm so happy right now but
I'm so scared because I keep
thinking that things are going too
well and that it has to go
badly eventually and it bothers
me that I'm even having such
thoughts because I know that if
you think it, you give it power and
I really don't believe that - it's
just fear left over from Chris and
from that woman. So I guess I'm
not really scared of everything,
just surprised that it could be
happening to two people so
young and so silly and
so weird and that it would
happen so wonderfully and
we could both just smile at
the thought of being able to
hear each other live.


---


Maybe one day I'll post something real about my life again... Maybe when this rock that's been jammed in my brain and won't let the words just... flow... is moved. Maybe when God's existance is proven. Maybe when the clocks all stop ticking. Or maybe it'll happen when I can finally sleep again.

0087
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
Mental BlinkCollapse )

0084
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
HumanCollapse )


ArtistCollapse )


ConnectionCollapse )


1s & 0sCollapse )


peaceCollapse )


0079
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
CinderellaCollapse )
---
EnvyCollapse )
---
SurpriseCollapse )

0078
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
hiding out
I realized today that
you would be with me all
day and that we
would probably end up
talking so I
panicked.

But after hiding for
an hour and reading about
very boring judges we
finally had to leave and
I held the door.

You passed me by and I
sighed in both relief and
disappointment because you
only thanked me and
nothing more.

Then you held the next
door and I was the last one
out and we ended up
talking about what I
had written and you
said it was OK.

So, I smiled and said that
I felt bad but you just said
you weren't mad and
we ended up talking about
absolutely nothing but
still laughing and
smiling.

---

A Lesson In Flirting
I hardly saw the musical because
he kept putting an arm around
me and trying to hold my
hand.

I told him I was socially
retarded and didn't know when
someone was flirting and
he just smiled and said
"here's a hint: I'm flirting".

I think I turned red and
he started tracing
circles. Things almost started
to feel like they did way back
with Chris and I felt myself
relax before I started
getting sick and
needed space.

He said I must be a
bad girlfriend because I'm
too tense and that I
need to relax.

So, I relaxed. And he
smiled and whispered jokes
and tickled me and
almost made me sqeal like
a school girl while trying to
squirm away.

And it was fun. We held hands and
traced cricles and
then the lights turned on and I
started to feel sick because
I felt this terror that I would be
caught doing something wrong when
I knew I wasn't doing anything.

But it was so familiar - just like with
Chris that I also felt the terror of
other things that were done and I
just wanted to laugh it away but
I couldn't because he was
holding me in place gently and
the intermission came and he
left me for the second half saying
"If you miss me, I'm right there."

---

Lessons in Life
I sit behind him on the
bus and watched as he started
to talk to those girls and I
just smiled because I knew that
he was social.

Even though in my mind I
knew that he didn't know anything
about me except that my
prefered name is "Bea"
and I didn't know anything about
him - I thought he was just
being social.

Until I saw him touch them - not quite
like me - but tell them pick
up jokes and hear them laugh like
I'm sure I did and I almost
got sad until I though
that maybe he was just supposed to
show me that I need to grow up and
get over Chris and just
live life now - not then.

And I smiled.

0077
ch4ng1ng_r1v3r
Smile

I know about you because
he let me listen to
you talk about some
very personal things.

I used to wonder how
many people knew about
me because he
let them listen to me but
it was never really
all that important to me.

At least not until you
looked up at me and
smiled as if
you knew who I
was and you knew my
problems and you
wanted me to know that
you knew.

So it should be
no surprise that I
smiled back with the
hope that I could say
the same thing you did - or
at least I thought you
did - so that you
could understand about
him and me and you.

---

If We Were To

You're the only one that
I can see who is
not asleep - not really - but
you seem to wish that
you were because it's
boring being
awake.

I almost want to
talk to you but this
plane is starting
to shake and make me
ill and I would hate
to accidentally get
sick all over
you.

But if we did talk then
maybe I would tell you how
he had me listen in on
your conversation and that
I know things you've
never told me and
I just wanted you to
be aware.

Everything is
starting to stabilize but
I still don't want to
talk to you because I
would have to crawl over
the sleeping girl and
I just can't do
that.

But if we were to talk
maybe we could learn, through
legitimate, ways about
each other. But
maybe it's that idea that
scares me so I
sit in this seat and just
stare at that
light and think about
what would happen if
we were to talk.

---

Movie Dreams

I keep expecting it to be like a
movie and can see you pushing
through the crowds asking where I
am staying and saying you
need to find me and
tell me something.

But this isn't a movie and
what I wrote you wasn't something that
needs you to come chasing
after me because it
was just a confession of
my knowledge and that
really isn't that important,
I'm sure.

Yet something in the back of
my mind tells me that
I can expect to see you, hear
you, because I wrote this letter that
tells you what I've known and
why I've known it but that
doesn't make it nearly as
glamurous as in the
movies so I guess I'll
just sit in my corner and
dream of different days.

?

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